Happy Hump Day! You'd think I'd be happier since it is my birthday. I'm not. At first, I was excited. After all, it is my birthday. Then I realized that it meant I was older. Not something I like being reminded of (especially since I am one of the older (if not the oldest) military guy in my office). Yup, I am now 37. That's right, 37 years of making mistakes and learning from them. You'd think, by now, I would have learned everything there is to know about making mistakes, but I find I keep making new ones. I have heard from some of my more learned (I'll just use that term instead of older from now on, I think it sounds better) colleagues and friends that you keep making mistakes. Something about no one is perfect. Seems to me that there can only be a finite amount of mistakes one can make. Seems logical anyway. But then you throw in the illogical (i.e. women) and the number of mistakes grow at a rapid rate.
Just when you think you have the rules figured out (usually just before puberty) you realize girls are interesting and the rules completely change. No longer is it cool to dig a hole in the ground to bury your GI Joes. No longer is that ratty game shirt worthy of wearing. No longer is it better to have your fly open than to be seen with a girl. Now, you have to figure out what it is women want. In your infinite wisdom at that age (now a teen), you think you can figure it out given enough time. By the time you realize that you'll never figure out women (and any man who claims he has is either a fool or was once one), you are either to old to be interested in them (that age right before you die), or you are married to one and the rules have changed yet again.
That's right, the rules you used to get her to date you, love you, and then marry you (though not always in that order) changed as soon as she said I do. At this point every man has a decision to make. Either you give up and roll with the punches because no matter what you do, you will anger her at least once a week and have to apologize. You don't even have to be there. Sometimes, you aren't even remotely responsible. For example, I have had days where my wife was angry at me all day because in her dreams I did something to make her mad. How the heck am I supposed to control that?! Admittedly, she has gotten better about it, now she only gets mad when my dream self blatantly cheats on her.
Oh, did I mention that half of the time, they refuse to tell you why they are mad? That's right, we have to guess. Us guys, the ones who took three weeks to take the hint that you wanted us to ask you out. The human beings that still haven't figured out that you want the toilet seat down, even though you've mentioned it for the last 20 years. Yup, we have to guess. And that just makes them madder, usually because we end up listing things they didn't know about, but mostly because we aren't telepathic and can't figure out exactly where we went wrong. Then when they finally tell us why they were mad in the first place, you find it was either something we could do nothing about, something so minor that it wasn't worth mentioning, or sometimes (a small percentage really) something legitimate. Then you factor in the rule that no rule is set in stone (except that one rule that is that you don't learn about until to late), and you are in trouble. Yup, we men can't win.
That being said, I still have a lot to learn. As is obvious from my post, I have said to much and now I have angered the one I love. At least this time I don't have to guess what I did. I just ranted on the wrong thing, exaggerated stuff she didn't find funny, and talked about women in a manner that some might say is disrespectful no matter how true. Yup, I am in trouble. Time to go home and take my licks and do the head bobbing yes dear. You know the move guys. The one where you bob your head and say, "yes, dear," in acknowledgement as the woman you love tells you just how badly you screwed up. You hope to learn from it (I obviously didn't in this case), but you listen and hope you will at least get a good night kiss out of it.
Ladies, I hope the lesson you learn from this is simply that, no matter what he says or does, you have more power over him than anybody else in the world. When you smile, you can get him to do anything. When you frown and snap, he does it faster though. Just saying.
The above was written at an attempt at humor. Only the author was harmed (hopefully) as a result of this post. Ignore all resemblance to real life as it is strictly a coincidence. Thank you. Have a wonderful day and ... what? Yes, dear.
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